Left or right? Being free or being at work? Tension or relaxation? Discipline or spontaneity? Silence, or noisy? Following my head or my heart? Meditation or movement? And so I can go on for hours and hours with writing down the questions I have in my head. These, seemingly, opposing voices, go on forever in my head and can make me crazy! Why are these voices making me crazy? What is happening?
The striking thing to me is that I have the belief that I have to fulfill the both opposites of these voices. So why both opposites at the same time? When I pay more attention, I can see that there is a drive in me to be and the handle perfect. I have to do the perfect thing and be the perfect person. I have to speak perfect German. I have to write this text perfectly. I have to be super conscious about my needs. And I even have to walk on wet grass, without getting wet socks. This is crazy, is it not?! It seems like I set a goal for myself, which is impossible to reach. And ofcourse, when I cannot reach this goal, I push myself harder and harder. Until I go crazy. And start to avoid things that are important to me, or I like to do.
At this moment, I also have the feeling that this text is not perfect enough, and again I feel the tendency to stop writing. As a coach I always ask people what they experience and feel what is not allowed to be on the inside. So I choose to ask myself this question, in this very moment. When I asked myself “What do I experience?”, I felt the fear of not being perfect and allowed myself to feel it. So I chose to feel it, without rejection and then a lot of energy which I wanted to release came out. Also I felt the tendency to fix this text in a rush, to run away, to stay, to continue writing without any rush and to understand all these tendencies. When I allowed myself to also just feel all these tendencies, it seems like there was aswell a lot of energy, as there was tranquillity. The interesting thing was that when I allowed myself to be with all my inner voices, heard and felt them, without rejecting, there was clarity. With this clarity I could see that every voice had a quality and a downside. Also I could see that I had a choice. I could choose which quality from which voice served me the best at that moment. And so I decided to continue writing in a relaxed way, and also stay in contact with the fear I felt.
The process I described is not always easy, because there are different qualities which I have to combine. I first have to recognize that I am stuck in my head between two or more voices. Second, I ask what happens. Third, I experience all my inner feelings. Especially the most hurtful feeling, without rejection, in the present moment. Fourth, I allow myself to express this feeling. When I am “done” with expressing, I often experience clarity. And then, fitft, use this clarity to make a choice which voice and quality I want to “use” in that particular moment. The paradoxical thing about this is that on the one hand, in my inner-world, I have to be with everything I feel, without rejecting it. And on the other hand, in the outer-world, I have to make a choice. Because in the outer-world, I cannot manifest two opposing dualites at the same time.
When not felt, my fear of not “being perfect” creates a confusion, in which I can have the belief that I have to choose which voice I have to experience and reject in my inner-world, instead of experiencing every voice and feeling. So the key for me is to first become aware of what is triggered in my inner-world. And then turn to my outer-world.
The community in which I currently live, is a mirror for me in this process. Especially when I am in close contact with many people, my tension to be “perfect” is triggered. Sometimes this makes it intense or scary for me, to have contact with others. Yet, when I can experience my fear of “not being perfect”, I can share this with others, and notice that the core of this fear heals. A few weeks ago there was someone who said a beautiful thing which helped me with this “bring-fear-into-contact-thing”: “Everything you bring into contact heals.,,
Another beautiful lesson I learned here is about being imperfect. It was, and still can be, a job for me, to become a more “perfect” person. For instance one of my drives to start with spirituality, was to become a “perfect” person. I could only be “perfect” when I had no more trauma, when I would be always mindful, and when I am respected by all other people. Actually, this blocked me from doing what I wanted, and exercising the qualities I wanted to have. Fortunately, here in the community, I was confronted with these ideas. One of the inspiring things I learned is that every human being has qualities and pitfalls. Of course we can learn, and become more conscious. But we do not have to exaggerate this. We can take this life some beautiful steps, but we do not have to take the steps where we are not ready for. Maybe we have other life times in which we can take these steps. Or maybe our children can take the next step. And even if there will not be a next step, it is ok.
This lesson helped me to see that I can be a authentical human being. And every moment, I can remember myself this is the case. To me, this means that I am allowed to feel fear, to struggle, to be angry, to be unreasonable, to be lazy and to be “imperfect”. And as I noticed earlier in this blog, when I allow these “imperfect” human feelings, there are also beautiful qualities which arise. There is also life, happiness, peace, mindfulness, craziness, creativity, hornines, freedom and much more which I cannot describe. And therefore I believe that our “perfection” lies in being with our “imperfection”. I truly believe that both realities are true at the same time. And in my eyes, this is the beauty of the paradoxical truth in which we live. It is a paradox which we can never grasp and truly understand. But when we trust it, believe it, rely on it, and surrender to it, we can turn our shit into gold.
Currently, I feel delighted that I wrote this piece of text, which made me help to turn my own fear of not being “perfect”, into being happy to be “imperfect”. And maybe I will make a mantra out of it; I am happy to be Imperfect. And with, ore without, this mantra I am may be as I am.
To be continued!